Take an Amazon.com internet adventure anytime for a confusing yet funny, and disturbing ride.
My crazy Amazon adventure started when I was talking to a co-worker about some odd items I saw for sale on their site last week and he mentioned how a t-shirt with 3 wolves on it was a top-selling item, so I had to check it out.
Well what can I say about this? This looks like a shirt that can transcend any time period particularly the 80′s through the 90′s and should be worn by anyone that is a real man or even a manly woman could wear this! How about I let one of the comments speak for itself…
This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.
I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.
Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.
There are plenty more comments where this came from and I am proud of Amazon for letting people really express how they feel on these!
From here, just scrolling down the I noticed the, “Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed” section on the page and saw some interesting items apparently people have been viewing. The two main items that caught my attention were the Tuscan Whole Milk and the Zibaz pants. First of all I did not know you could purchase milk from Amazon and 2nd of all WHAT THE HELL are Zibaz pants? So of course I had to check these hot items out!
So at first glance there is nothing too weird about this page but my eyes wondered over to the images of the milk and saw some interesting preview images. I will leave this to you to check out but I will give you a hint: guy on a bike with a refrigerator on his back, a guy pouring milk on his face, goats running from a fire, Darth Vader holding the milk, and much much much much more. Yet again, I ask myself why does Amazon allow this to happen? Not that I am complaining but wow! And I thought I was running out of things to find on the internet!
So take a look at the great user submitted photos here.
And yet again I will leave you with another great comment for this product! This milk struck someone so great that they felt like writing a poem about it:
Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts ‘N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
‘Bad condensor, that,’ I muttered, ‘vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more.’
Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore -
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore -
Purg’ed here for evermore.
And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,
I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door -
Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door -
I resolved to have some more.
Of course that is just a sample of the poem, if you want to read more of it and also more comments go to the item page
These pants also look like they can transcend time and fashion and would be a perfect match for the 3 wolves t-shirt. This special legendary item deserves no sarcastic comments from me so I will let the description and user submitted photos do the talking!
The legendary Zubaz Pants are back! The original Baggy Pants have been gone for several years but Zubaz are back in business again. Best Form Fitness Gear is the first to bring these classic Baggy Workout Gym Pants to you. Zubaz workout pants became a fashion sensation both in and out of the gym. The just-released Baggy Gym Pants are available in the signature Zebra print pattern. More of the trend-setting patterns will be following soon.
And this user submitted photo really shows you how these pants should be worn…
Man this little adventure is making me hungry, I really need to find something to eat… Oh wait, on the Zubaz pants page I see something in the “Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed” section. A tasty little treat that I have to buy to satisfy my hunger!
I will go ahead and say straight up that I would never want to eat anything you can buy off of Amazon, whether it be potted meat, chicken in a can, or anything of the sort. Now that I got that out of the way I will say yet again WHAT THE HELL! You can actually buy a dead rabbit on Amazon, are you freaking kidding me? Well I have nothing else to say about this because this is kind of disturbing to me, man what the pioneers would have done to have Amazon.com at their fingertips!
I will leave you with yet another great comment that makes looking at this page seem worthwhile:
A real time saver
How many weekends have I spent, in the loincloth, knife clenched in my teeth, running through the fields trying to find a rabbit? (A bunch, trust me on this, a bunch.) All so I can have something to sacrifice on the altar once I get to the cave.
Now, with this, home, fix a cocktail, go through the day’s mail, finish my drink and drive over to the cave, yank this carcass out of the box and offer this at the feet of my dark lord and master, boom, done. I’m happy, my dark lord and master is happy, everybody wins.
Purchase this item here. Look at the user submitted photos at your own risk!
Now on to the Uranium Ore… yes I said Uranium Ore, you read that right, you can actually purchase Uranium Ore on Amazon (now you don’t have to purchase this illegally anymore). I am no scientist, but I believe this has many applications it can be used for and with the small price of $29.99 how can you go wrong?
Here are a few comments that are amusing about this product:
Ok for cleaning teeth, not so great for killing ants..
Picked this up for use in one of my kid’s ‘diversity’ projects in school (Great Success!), and stuck the leftovers in the cabinet next to the baking soda.
Ran out of toothpaste, and remembered how you’re supposed to be able to use baking soda to clean your teeth, so of course, I accidentally used this instead, and Wow! all I can say is, my teeth have never been cleaner! They sparkle, they tingle, and for some reason, they STAY clean now, no matter what. Highly recommended!
However, when I ran out of that fire-ant killer powder stuff, I figured I would try some for that too.
Boy, it sure did not kill those ants!
Fortunately, those suckers get slower as they get bigger, so I have been able to use a shovel to take care of most of them, one at a time though, the sneaky devils.
And the darn trash man refuses to take them away..
I would have given this product 5 stars for the teeth and the project on embracing diversity, but I deducted one star because of the giant mutant ants.
So glad I don’t have to buy this from Libyans in parking lots at the mall anymore.
I bought this to power a home-made submarine that I use to look for prehistoric-era life forms in land-locked lakes around my home town in Alaska. At first I wasn’t sure if this item would (or could) arrive via mail, but I was glad to see it showed up with no problems. Well, almost no problems.
Unfortuantly my mom opened my mail, because she does not respect people’s privacy. She was pretty upset to see Uranium Ore. After a long argument and me running away from home again, she finaly stopped being such an idiot and I was able to get back to work.
The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was bying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker.
Better than Fossil Fuel!
I’ve been struggling to find an alternative fuel for my 1972 Buick Riviera Boattail, and never considered a compact Nuclear Reactor because of the lack of Uranium sources. Once Sam’s Club stopped selling it to appease the Madonna Fan Club, I had nowhere to turn. Not even Radio Shack sells real Uranium anymore.
I thought this stuff was Uranium Bore
I was looking on-line for something to make myself more boring. Since I was tired, I mis-read the name and thought this was Uranium Bore. After crushing up the rock and putting it in my daily milkshake and an awful thig happened. My arms withered and fell off! Just when I was about to call Amazon and complain I realized I couldn’t because I had not become adept at pusing buttons with my toes yet. Just when I was looking at robotic arms on Amazon, I got a surprise. New arms grew out of my forehead! So now I’m back to square one. I can type again, but I’m less boring than before.
Moral of the story? Read labels more carefully! I give this 5 stars because my new head-arms allow me to change lightbulbs without the need for a ladder!
This stuff just keeps coming, I am starting to run out of words to write on this post because I am just so dumbfounded by all of this craziness/greatness. I just want to thank Amazon for not moderating their comments or user submitted photos! Without their lack of moderation there would be none of this great comedy material for me to post on this site and for that I think they deserve some kind of award. I may try to offer them an “Absolute Random Award for Comedy Greatness” or something like that. Actually that award name doesn’t sound very good so maybe if any of you have a good name for it let me know.
I have a few more fun and exciting Amazon items to amuse myself and hopefully you with so sit back and relax or shall I say open the door to your new Relaxman Relaxation Capsule and check out these last few items for sale.
Honestly I gotta say from the description this actually sounds pretty cool although I can’t say I have a hard enough time relaxing that I need to shut myself in a sound proof capsule, but for those of you that do here you go! For the price of a brand new BMW at $39,995.00, the Relaxman Relaxation Capsule can be yours for all your relaxing needs or to shut yourself from the outside world anytime! It looks like shipping is actually $29.95, seems like shipping might be free for a $40k item but maybe I am just crazy.
Without further adieu more great comments as you would expect:
It really works.
One drawback, when it was delivered the capsule had no bolt on the outside. But I’m handy, so I installed one.
I have been locking the wife and kids into the chamber from 7pm to 7am every evening, and boy am I relaxed. This really works.
Taught Me Empathy and Humility
I climbed into my Relaxman Capsule and found myself in a beautiful snowy forest. Then I met a faun, and I was going to run away because he looked scary, but he offered me candy and a ride to his house, so I figured it was okay. Afterwards he told me to return with my brother and sisters. So we all squeezed into the Relaxman, but the White Witch was there first, and she turned everyone but me into inflatable dolls and I ran away while she was blowing them up, or at least I think that’s what she was doing. I escaped into the woods and got chased by a bunch of wolves who tried to bite me, but they ran off when a unicorn came and made me play leapfrog. After the mishap, he told me I needed SRS, so he took me to the nearby multiverse-famous Biotonus Clinic, where he dropped me on the sidewalk and fled when he saw the security guard. The doorman rummaged through my pockets and tried to turn me away because my insurance didn’t cover impalation upon the horn of an imaginary beast, but the delirium was setting in and I mumbled something about being king on my home planet. It turned out I had a receipt from Burger King in my wallet, so he believed me. He took me to a room in the mental wing with a big throne. At least they told me it was a throne, but when I took a close look I saw it was a folding chair…
I actually just saw this 3rd comment myself and wow I can’t believe someone took the time to write that but I am sure glad they did! This is hilarious! Check out the rest of the comments here
I hope you are enjoying reading this post as much as I have enjoyed writing it, I just never thought I could find so much comedic material (well some might be more disturbing than comedic) on a retail website especially one like Amazon.com! From now on I am done looking at random blogs, even my own, I am now going to concentrate on online retail stores that allow user submitted photos and comments with no moderation. This just opens up a whole new world to me so really if anyone can think of an award I can send Amazon let me know and I will do my best to get it to them!
Next on my list of this fun filled adventure is the UFO-01 Detector. Apparently this was an item that interested people that were taking a look at the Relaxman Relaxation Capsule. So on to the UFO detector…
The description of this item states:
Over the years many UFO sightings have reported magnetic and electromagnetic disturbances. The UFO Detector is designed to sense these disturbances and will signal their presence by flashing an LED and beeping. The elegantly designed transparent acrylic case is a handsome sculptured conversation piece that’s suitable for display on a desk, shelf or bedroom dresser. Size is approximately 3″ dia. by 2.75″ length. Uses 9V lithium battery (not included)
And the technical details:
The UFO detector continually monitors its surrounding area for any magnetic and electromagnetic anomalies.
And only for $94.95! I have not personally had any UFO experiences but if I had a problem with those pesky UFO’s flying in on me all the time I think I would buy this so I knew when they were around. But I would not recommend this product because this user comment really gives you details on why he doesn’t like it:
Been Abducted Twice!!
After my first abduction I sought out to arm myself with something that would prevent this from happening to me again. Alas, the UFO Detector.
Since then my microwave, TV, radio, and cellphone have been causing the device to alarm several times, sending me in a state of panic where I’d hide under my bed for days. Next time it went off it was no false alarm. And I was, again, on board an alien vessle with probes hanging from every opening of my body.
I’d guess that for this “Detector” to work you’d need to be in an environment free from all electrical interferences. Above all, I DO NOT recommend this product.
So sorry to you folks out there looking for a good UFO detector, looks like this one might not be for you. WAIT, you are in luck, there is a new version out that is supposed to detect better and it even has nicer packaging and doesn’t look like it was made in a basement. If you are interested in the new version of the UFO detector check it out here. Its even the same price.
Last but not least you can buy your own personal wedding chapel…
Why waste your time spending $300 for a vineyard or even wasting your time to find a Church you can have a wedding in for free, when you can spend $21,420.47 with $1,695.69 shipping for your very own wedding chapel! Don’t let me convince you, see what actual users had to say…
Did NOT arrive fully assembled
Well, I for one, am dissapointed..my chapel arrived, but it was just a bunch of wooden planks…abut 178 of them to be exact…I asked the UPS guy to help me assemble it and he just stared at me. (I think he was a bit pissed off having to haul so many peices of wood up to my door step) Well, alas, now me and my fiance have to wait another 2 months until I can put this damn thing together. She is getting pretty impatient. If worse comes to worse I’ll just forgo the roof and we’ll have an outdoor wedding.
For the price of shipping alone I could move to Montana, buy 32 acres, plant trees and wait 20 years, then cut them down and build a little Wood cabin and I’d still have enough left over to visit the Indian gambling halls.
That is all of my rant for today, I hope you enjoyed this little post and let me know if you purchase any of these items! If you discover any more amusing items on Amazon or any other site in general just drop me a message in the comments section!